Lama Marut: “Don’t wait until it may be too late, uh, to get clear on the concept of what’s important in life; of what’s really important in life. And, really, the only thing that’s important in life-the relationships, the money, the, you know, the job, none of that really matters. It really won’t matter. At the time of death all of that stuff will just seem like a dream. It’ll seem like just a dream. And, you know, you talk to old people and they’ll tell you this, right? “Life goes by like that.” (Snaps fingers.) It’s just like that. (Snaps fingers.) When you’re seventy, eighty years old, they’ll tell you, “It’s just like that.” (Snaps fingers) And, uh, people in their old age also get clear on the concept oftentimes too late as to what’s important in life. And the only thing that’s really important is “how did you treat other people?” How did you treat other people? Were you a compassionate person? Were you a person who thought more about other people than you thought about yourself? Or were you a big, fat selfish pig all your life? You know? And it really comes down to that. That’s the essence of karma. That’s the essence of karma. All good things come to people who think about others and all negative things come to us from thinking about ourselves all the time.”

Hm...

Well, here I am again. 37th floor. Waiting for my cell phone to ring.

Is this all there is? It's not, I know that, but I sometimes convince myself it is.

With a wonderful woman. She lists her plans for the day prefaced with "Listen:" She, too, feels like there's something missing.

I wonder if the hill behind my childhood home has been developed. I wonder who's now living in my childhood home.

I should probably work.

Lunch Break

Left the office. Missed the train. Had to wait. Was bored. Wanted the train to come. Had nothing to do. Had nothing to read. Only had an hour. Got to Burritoville . Ordered. Didn’t want to tip so I didn’t. Ate the food. Didn’t want to go back to work. Left to go back to work. Went into a bookstore knowing I didn’t have time. Looked briefly at a book but didn’t have time to get into it. Saw a photography book called “Terryworld” and felt shitty and unattractive. Felt like he must have a better life than me. Hated my life and the office. Looked at a book about one of my favorite filmmakers, Lars von Trier, and felt shitty. Felt like he must have a better life than me. Wondered if he worries at night. Saw pictures of him as a young man in the 70’s, which wasn’t that long ago. Thought about how old he is now. Thought about how fast life goes by. (Just now thought about being 30. Just now thought about being almost 31.) Saw a pretty girl browsing nearby. Was too scared to talk to her. Chose to scoot by her so that maybe something could happen. Scooted by her quietly saying, “Excuse me, ” then nervously laughed. Felt shitty that that’s all I did. What a tactic. Looked at magazines about filmmaking. Felt shitty I don’t make films and work in an office. Saw a cover photo of Daniel Day Lewis’ wife. Yearned for a beautiful wife. Left. Decided to get a mocha at Starbucks. Then decided to get an iced mocha as they’re less sweet and it was hot out. Thought about how I didn’t have time to get a mocha, but decided to get one anyway. Got one. Looked at the guy who was taking my order and realized my arms were about as big as his and that I don’t have it so bad. I actually liked the way his arms looked. Saw a pretty girl on the train. Wanted to talk to her. Didn’t. Was too afraid. Got to Grand Central and thought about making films and how far away that seemed. Walked into office. Made myself work.